The Story of Me

It was a dark and windy night. The skies were clear and the only sound that could be heard was from the howling of the wind.

Totally joking... Yeah, as if I'd know that much detail.

In the beginning, there was a little sickly baby. She was "found" as the story goes. How she was found has altered so that, at this time, is unimportant. She ended up in an orphanage in Brazilia, the capital of Brazil (the equivalent to Washington, DC). Its a "new" city, industial-wise. The time frame as to when she was born is also iffy. An estimated date is October 8th, but it waivers therein. Then an American woman, who had come to Brazil in the '60s and fell in love with the culture while she was a Peace Corps volunteer returned a decade later. She returned and visited a local orphanage. She saw many children but one caught her eye. The baby was all smiles and happy. That's the one, she thought, and adopted the child. It took nearly another year before she was able to bring the child to the States, as bureaucracy had its own ideas. But thanks to some American Senators, the American lady was able to come to the States with her new baby.

So, I arrived in Florida and turned one there. It was my first time in America & we met my mother's family (my grandparents). Its also mother's first time meeting her step-father. It would be the only time I would see him, but I would remember that day for years to come. I took my first steps in the hotel room and walked straight to him. He died years later. Grandma had to pull the plug. Very tragic.

I spent most of my life in California, but this does not mean I stayed there. After Florida, we moved to CA where Mother got a job at San Jose State University. There she remained for 22 years. When I was 3, we lived with Silvia, however I don't remember her at all. I remember her Siamese cat and to this day still recall her VW van. It was orange and white. I remember traveling in it. When I was 4, we were back in Brazil. We lived with a woman named Lourdes. This woman I later fell in love with (I considered her a step parent). I vaguely remember her that year, but I remember kindergarten in Brazil. It was a segregated school. Boys took karate. Girls took ballet. I wanted to take karate. I was upset. I don't recall how it all played out. I remember leaving Brazil in a cab and looking through the back window and a strange woman waving at us. Later, I was told this was Lourdes. When I came back to CA, I had to learn English again. Poor Mrs. Anderson, she had half her class speaking foreign languages. But she got us all speaking English come the end of the year. I remained in CA until the second to last day in 4th grade. We moved back to Brazil. Sometime during elementary school, Lourdes came to live with us. I remember her MG (car). I remember her taking night classes. I don't remember too much. I was left alone alot. I have been latch key 90% of my childhood. And when Mother was home, she read or graded papers. I spent time with her mainly on the weekends. When I wasn't cleaning the house or car, we would go do something. Hiking, bike riding, tennis, etc... I use to go to the country club alot with my friends. So it was a good childhood. I just felt older than my classmates. I didn't have anything in common with them. I liked older kids. I've been like that my entire life.

Fifth grade: We're in Brazil. Mother had promised that we'd only be there a year. She enrolled me into the British School, as its cheaper than the American School. I use to think they were Catholic. I later found out they were Episcopalian (sp?). It was run by a headmaster. I got in trouble only once. They believed in the paddle. Boys got it on the ass (the HM was a man) while girls got it on their palms. I never told Mother, not until I was an adult. I had assumed the school told Mother. But she never knew. I both hated being in Brazil and loved it. The school was both wonderful with great experiences, but at the same time, torture. I was a poor student (I found out in college I was dyslexic). I had poor penmanship and would be required to stay in on my breaks and rewrite my work. I was taught US History during the plane ride to Brazil so that year I learned the entire Royal Family lineage. We were required to listen to Bible stories, as told by the Headmaster. We had to learn French (so we were all fluent in English, Portuguese and French). Math was all metric. It was not an easy year. And my friends were wealthy but I never saw that. I envied them. They were all moving back to the UK to attend boarding schools. I longed to go with them. End of 5th grade. Mother breaks up with Lourdes after 9 years (maybe it wasn't that long, but it felt like it). I was sad and happy. We moved back to the States and back to our home (Mother never sold the place where we lived, she only leased it for that year). Mother resumes working at SJSU.

Then its the start of Sixth Grade. I'm in the same school as all my friends. All the people I grew up with. And this is when we all went our own ways. Why? Because I was placed in remedial classes. I was with all the Mexicans. The slow kids. The stupid kids. I was outcasted right away. I went to separate reading because I was in accelerated reading. I was in accelerated math. Accelerated accelerated accelerated. Science was my grade level. But homeroom I spent with the remedial kids. I was labeled a troubled kid. I was angry. I was dyslexic (not that they realized it then). I got along with the juvey kids, the gangs (we had a few) and the loners. My last day of school, Mother decided I needed to leave. I was mad. I kept getting bounced around, I said. She was never home, what did she care? But she moved me to another middle school. All the way across town. Now I had to take a bus. This was a more diverse group of kids. The poor kids were friends with the rich kids. Very strange. I wasn't use to that. I was part of the heavy metal listening crowd (got hooked in Brazil... one of Mother's friends was VP @ music company and would give me albums ranging from Elton John to Ratt, Black Sabbath to Zeppelin). But because of where I lived, I easily made friends with the rich kids. But I liked the poor kids. I kept them a secret at home, however.

I was taught since childhood, you are the company you keep. If you hang out with poor people, people will treat you as such. You won't be given the opportunities someone of our stature would be given. But by 7th grade, I stopped caring about appearances, and began to relish true friendship. I hung out with Kenny Rogers (a Mormon Texan that broke all the Mormon rules) and Jeremy (can't think his last name right now). They were my best friends. They lived in the slummy part of San Jose. I didn't care. They were funny, great friends and they were who I would hang out with, given a choice. My closest friend now, however, was who I couldn't stand in 7th grade. She dated them both. She broke both their hearts. And I told the entire school she was a slut. She later told me she would go home crying. I apologized eventually. This was also the year I began to acknowledge the feelings I was having inside were "gay" related. I had a crush in 5th grade on a woman in her 20's. I kissed my first girl when I was 9 (4th grade), not my idea, with tongue. But in the 8th grade, I realized I had the hots for someone. I would hang out with her when I wasn't with my boys. But I had no chance with her. She was the mousy, nerdy type. Glasses, smart, bad with boys. Skip two years and she got contacts and grew out her hair. She was smoking hot! LOL! She later married a marine and moved to GA. I saw her when they moved back to CA. Her husband was not at all handsome. But whatever!

Mother was not a huge part of my life. Never really had been. I spent weekends with her. My summers I usually spent in Indiana while Mother traveled. In recent years, I suspect she went to Brazil to be with her lover. I got my way in 9th grade, I went back to my neighborhood's high school. You see, in the 8th grade they gave the kids a postcard to fill out & list what school we wanted to attend high school. So, our parents had no say in that. I went back to my neighborhood and got rid of riding the bus. I missed those friends but a couple came to my school as well. That was short lived. I took Spanish that year. Made friends w/ all the Stoners as they were called. We would drink & smoke at school. Spent time in Summer School with my friends. After two years, Mother hated me going there. Oh, had my first hickey that year too. Still a virgin, but she never knew. I was all into boys, to hide from my feelings about women. Even got hit on by a few girls and that scared the shit out of me. I went to a VERY prejudice school. No one came out until after high school. No One! I kept my rich friends at a distance. It was easier to deal with them in small doses, like, at church. Then after 10th grade, Mother moved me to Notre Dame. I was PISSED! Again, I transferred because she hated who I hung out with. I was angry. So, 11th grade started in late August. My birthday's in October. She gave me a stereo for my 16th birthday then announced she's moving to Portugal and I needed to find a place to live. So I moved in with Camille (the girl who dated both my middle school friends & I called a slut). She felt sorry for me and let me live with her. She begged her mother & step-father and they converted the house to be ours and they turned their garage into a loft for them. That was really nice.

I was essentially on my own for the rest of Jr & Sr years. I had no rules, no curfew and the school knew this. For legal purposes, Camille's mother was my guardian, so I didn't end up in the system. But she agreed she was not taking care of me. I paid her to stay there. I smoked, drank & partied every weekend. I squeaked by in School. I befriended the nun that ran the Attendance. Many times I would tell her I was tired and she'd let me sleep on a cot and miss half the day of classes, all excused.

Spring of Senior Year: Mother came for a visit. I think it was Easter break. I told her that there was a new Dean. She hated me. The old dean liked me, ok. Not like I was a pet student, but she was fine w/ me either way. The new one, she was out to get me. Never figured out why. But I was always in trouble with her. Had a meeting with her & Mother. She finally told me my grades were not up to snuff. I couldn't be under C+ in anything or else I didn't pass. I had issues in Math. During Summer School the teacher had given me a B but by the time the grades posted he changed it to a D. Mother had him fired for doing this but the school still wouldn't change it. The New Dean told me I had to repeat my Senior Year. I blew up. Now remember, I was on my own. I no longer minded my p's & q's. Mother told me it was up to me. So I quit school right then & there. She asked me what I was going to do. I got my GED w/in 2 wks. And while all my friends were during their Finals, I was enrolled in college. I loved it. I had a guidance counselor who figured out my dyslexia issues, she was a former student of Mother's so she knew how strict my mother was (I was allowed to go out, but I better never wake her up when I came home, and I'd better be home before she woke up in the morning). I was never grounded. But she had other disciplines.

Growing up I was never told I was smart. Never told I was pretty. I was made fun of for looking like a boy. I was dressed like a boy and given hair cuts like them, as well. I became comfortable dressing like this. Only in High School when she would take me out, did Mother give me nice clothes. I loved heels. I loved my cashmere full length coat. Its the finer things in life.

In college I opted to be an art student. I was told by Mother she would not pay for my college if I became an art major. No fine art, she said. I was unable to get financial aid. I was under her until the age of 25, as far as the school system was concerned (she was a professor at the local university). But she had not paid for me since high school. So I got into business. I was a natural, but I hated it.

To piss her off I joined the military. I fell in love with it. They placed me in the medical field. I had already done some hospital work since 15. Now the military was training me to be a surgical nurse. Fort Funston, San Francisco, CA. One year later, I got in a car accident. The military doctor dismissed me. I was devastated. I had given up everything. I had nothing in my name. Even my car belonged to Mother. I begged Camille's family to take me in until I could figure something out. I got an apartment a few months later with an old high school friend. We hadn't been close, but she wanted out of her parents' home.

Over the course of the next 6 months, I slept around alot, dropped out of school, did a lot of drugs (not all in this order), had a miscarriage which I told no one about until the next day... and my hormones were raging big time. I nearly creamed myself every time I was w/in a foot from another woman. Not every woman, but quite alot of them. I dumped my boyfriend & moved to Fresno (desert town) with my roommate and her boyfriend. I liked my boyfriend alot, but I was instantly turned off when he tried telling me what to do. I have never understood women that do that with men. Do as they say. Whatever! So I didn't work in Fresno. My roommates supported me. It was nice. Oh... and when I had turned 18 I came to $10,000 (part of my "inheritance") so I spent that on rent and groceries. My "crush" from 15 started me smoking pot. I was hooked... not addicted, just loved how I felt. I could drink any man under the table. I was 115lbs and had a smoking body. I had a reputation for being a great lay (which I knew I was but to hear it was shocking). Even had a guy say that's why he wanted to have sex w/ me. I did it and he agreed I was great in bed. It was his only time w/ me. I slept w/ my friend's boyfriend (they had broken up when we slept together) and got pregnant. They didn't know I was preg. I felt guilty so I told her. Very selfish of me, I realized later. He told me not to tell. But she forgave me. He was very persuasive... always had been (he tried to get w/ me before her, but I said no to him & that night he hooked up w/ her and remained w/ her for a few more years).

I was about to turn 19. I was clinically depressed, I realize now. I was high on pot 24/7. I was going nowhere. I couldn't bring myself to admit I loved women, which I had chances but my roommate would tell them I was straight. Even got to one of the girls apt when I found out she had a girlfriend. I didn't want any part of that. I don't remember why now, but we ran from the law. We packed everything in a U-Haul and ended up in Shasta County. Redneck-ville. They all looked related. Very Deliverance, like. I traded my very good camera for a shotgun. We hung out up in the mountains. Went cliff diving. I was high. I didn't care if I died. I nearly fell a few times. Had to be saved. I considered letting go when I was hanging on the edge of the cliff. Not sure what made me stay holding on. I think the image of living thru the broken bones & bleeding a very slow death got to me. That's my only real fear. I remember walking in the rocks w/ rattlesnakes just a foot or two away from me. I can still hear them in my head. Finally, I got tired of being high & depressed. I called Mother. She was in IN at this time (every time I called, she was in another state). She paid for me a plane ticket. I was told I could stay w/ her for two weeks then I had to move out. I cleaned up (got the pot out of my system) in that time frame.

I had a job w/ McDonald's. That lasted two weeks. I then found out I was pregnant. Mother told me she would not help me or give me any money. I was still depressed and she convinced me to abort. We drove to KY and did the deed. I found out it was a boy. I still think, what if. I got a job at a bakery. They fired me. They said it was due to not needing extra help, but I know its because i hated listening to Rush Limbaugh & because I was not white. Then Grandma got me a job (she lived in IN) at a local hospital. Since I was a nurse, they gave me any job I wanted. I wanted the top floor. That's where the bed bound stayed. I use to say, that's where you go to die. It was true. Everyone left in a body bag or went to the hospital next door (kinda like Mercy). It was not good, the facility. We used straps on patients. We would restrain them just to do a simple catheter. But I loved the place. I had the hots for a girl there. I think she wanted me, but had a boyfriend. She would call me whenever she was in the hot tub. She introduced me to Melissa Etheridge. She would invite me to her place & change in front of me. But she never gave the signal (that I could make my move). So I never did. I lived in IN for two years, working as a nurse. I quit when I threw a chart at another nurse. I tried to hurt her, I chucked it at her neck! LOL!

I got a job working for Time Life. Telesales. I hated it. The girl sitting next to me got me fired. She would put false names & numbers on my list of sales. Management found out & fired me. Her girlfriend beat the shit out of her for doing this. They begged me to take them to CA. I agreed. We all moved to CA. I got into the bad crowd. My new friends did crank (speed, meth). I didn't, but I got second hand smoke from them. So I still got high. Mother would visit some but still I never got money from her. I worked at a diner. My friend outed me. I started sleeping w/ women.

I was homeless nearly a year later. Lived out of my car. My druggie friends felt sorry for me & let me shower at their place, eat with them. Sometimes they'd let me sleep on their beds because they didn't sleep. But "clean" friends wanted nothing to do with me. Mother wonders why I chose my drug friends over my other friends. Simple. They took care of me. She found me housing. $300/mo. That's cheap in CA. I was a recluse. Moved in one of my drug friends. He had cleaned up. We both had good jobs. We both were living the life of middle class gay 20-somethings. It was great. I was promiscuous. I would alternate between men & women. I was also doing speed w/ him (we fell into it). Then I was 24. Pregnant by the same guy as who got me pregnant at 18. He had gotten a divorce from my friend. We had not trusted each other but we were both on drugs. He knew I was also sleeping w/ women. He didn't care. 3 months later, I kicked him out of my life. Then I found out at 5 months I was pregnant. I had a period every month. I suspected when my stomach got hard & grew. I was 140lbs and pregnant - big belly. I was clean. Very healthy eating. Didn't drink anything bad. Mother found out. She moved in with me. Then Grandmother died. I got $100,000.

Mother insisted I move to Brazil with her. She said she would need my help to getting a green card there, as I'm a Brazilian citizen. I did have to go through interviews on her behalf. She took care of my son & I for 8 months. I hated the first couple months there. I had to get use to the large cockroaches that came up from the basement. I had to get use to the tropical heat. I had to get use to everything. I enjoyed it most with Mother & Selma (her lover) went to Turkey for a few months. I had the place to myself. I hated that Selma made her sisters came check on me. I like being alone. She comes from a large family. I don't. I'm not use to family. I could do without them. Mother's family leaves me alone (its tons of cousins whom I see once every 8 -10 years). After 8 months I moved back. I got in a fight w/ Kim (my crush from 15-25). She was in charge of my house. While I was in Brazil, she let my dog run away, moved her girlfriend into my place, who stole from me, etc... It was bad. I quickly had stopped having feelings for her. I was pissed for a long time. I moved to a trailer home. More room & cheaper. It was brand new. Another city too. That was Feb 2000.

Mother finally left my side (which she had been by since I told her I was pregnant) and moved back to Brazil in June. A month later I moved Becky and her son in. I had been talking with her daily for over a month, via internet. We started out as friends. Slowly our flirty and teasing grew to feelings for one another. We didn't know how it would be when we finally saw each other. But it was instant. We got in a lot of fights, mainly my fault, due to not use to being in a relationship. I never had a girlfriend. The last boyfriend I had was in my early 20's. But I was the dominate in the relationship. Always. This was a flip. She was the dominate person. It was a power struggle. I remember one fight when she said I would not win. Its true. Even if you're right, you still don't win. LOL! But we grew close & tight. She was no fool. She knew I still had feelings for Kim. It was partly due to Kim telling me I was her one mistake (as in, she should have gotten with me, but we never did... we had sex, just no relationship), she said this when I was 29'ish. Now Kim is married to a man & pregnant with her second kid. When she got engaged I literally had lost feelings for her. I honestly believe it was lust. I don't know if I ever loved her. But picturing her flipping sides... its weird. I just lost all desire for her.

Seven years in a relationship and I started to feel suffocated. We were at each others throats alot. I blamed her without ever looking at myself & seeing what I was doing. What I love about Becky is she won't sit back & just take it. She will dish it right back. She threw in my face my faults as well. She hit me, but I also hit her... perhaps more than she did me. I said things that were not true. I was not a nice person. I was stressed from work. From my feelings for Kim. From the tensions of my mother. Mother has never liked me being in a relationship. She was no longer the most important woman in my life. She had a very hard time with this. We broke up for 7 days, exactly.

We got back together. Things have been better in the past two years than the 7 years prior. We hashed out everything. We discovered each other all over again. We no longer (me especially) raise a hand to the other. And we don't go to bed w/out a fight resolved. Sometimes I hate this because I'm exhausted, but we don't.

Over the past 9 years, I have discovered much about my past. Mother tells Becky things she never told me. She has given us three different stories as to how I was "found" prior to going to the orphanage. I have been told (she told Becky, not I) about all the times Mother was non-faithful to her lovers. She was always going back to Selma, during her other relationships. She would leave me in IN to go be w/ Selma. When Matt was an infant, Mother would make comments she didn't remember my infancy/toddlerhood. She said it was Selma who was there for me. I had sitters alot as well. Nannies. Becky thinks Selma is my biological mother, but I was born out of wedlock. Selma had been in a 20 yr relationship w/ a woman and cheated all those years w/ Mother. I began to not respect either one of them. I refuse to think of Selma as my biological mother. But her actions, trying to control me & mother, having her feelings hurt because I won't take her ill-fated advice about how to raise my son, etc, would make sense.

I was always thin. Up until my son was 1. I gained alot of weight and it started while he was an infant. I ate healthy, normal portions. Mother saw to that. But still, I was gaining weight. I worked out daily. But I would gain weight. Doctors could not explain it. After years, I gave up figuring it out.
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Unrelated to the story, but a fact of importance:

I had my gull bladder taken out. Mother blamed it on Becky's cooking. But according to the doctors, this is due to years of abuse, stemming from childhood. She ate like a vegetarian. She refused to acknowledge this. She too had her gull bladder taken when I was a child.

I had a hysterectomy. I begged for years (I was 21) to have one. The doctors refused. I use to hemmorrage when I had my monthly. Almost died when I was 21. That's why I went broke & became homeless. It was bad.


I will write later if you want to know anything else.